It seems that in ordinary development, babies ‘tell’ their parents how to look after them. Parents in difficulties are often ones who have missed cues from their babies. We consider here the idea of parents’ own childhood getting in the way of their response to their babies, which can be driven instead by the unmet needs and the unheard cries of their own baby selves. We look at the way in which intergenerational loss, particularly the loss of the mother’s own mother, trauma and deprivation and the parents’ capacity to process these play a significant part in difficulties reflected in sleep problems.